14 excuses to avoid sex

Are you trying to find new excuses to avoid sex tonight? You’ve come to the right place.

We already have kids, we are feeling old and tired by this whole parenting thing. No time to waste. My “free” time is way too precious, and it will annoy me if I have to share my “me time” tonight. Did you know that an average couple aged 30 to 39 years old has 86 sexual relations per year ? That’s about 1.6 per week. What does this 0.6 even one look like ?

Anyway, sometimes you just won’t have it. So what excuse will you come up with this evening ? I’ll give you 14 excuses that will blow your partner’s mind (instead of …).

Basic excuses

• I’m too tired. 

I would think this excuse dates wayyyy back. It seems particularly suited for working people, or people who take care of their children. Isn’t this just perfectly convenient for annoyed mamas ?

• I have a headache.

A good ibuprofen and let’s go ? It can take up to an hour sometimes for it to finally work, there’s no point in waiting like that. Nah, it’s not worth it, let’s postpone to tomorrow (when I will be tired). Watch out for those smarty-pants who will tell you that sexual intercourse is known for helping with headaches. In this case, I’d advise you add nausea caused by the headache which is turning into a migraine by the way…

• I’m on my period.

Unless you’re into the whole “period sex” thing, it works pretty well. This excuse should not be used more than once every 3 weeks, except when your partner is bad at maths. You can eventually use it every 2 weeks, with PMS, that time when a woman is “supposedly” more upset than usual. Just stare right into his eyes : “I’m going to have my period in a few days, if you touch me I will kill you”.

• I feel bloated.

If you feel confortable enough, add a couple burps or farts. Works like a charm.

• I’m pretending to sleep.

Of course, you are not supposed to say this out loud. You have to act : you snore, you don’t move. You play dead.

• I forgot to take my birth control pill.

That one works wonders with partners who are not ready for kids, or already have one, or don’t like to use other birth control methods.

• It’s too hot.

Especially in the summer with no A/C. The other way around, the “it’s too cold’ excuse, doesn’t work that well since the theory is that intercourse can warm you up.

You might also enjoy : 17 awesome ways to annoy your husband.

Vicious excuses

• We already had sex this afternoon ! (good when he is not with you in the afternoons)

Then you pretend like you said something you shouldn’t have. Once he starts to figure it out, he probably won’t want to anymore. You just have to be careful with the jealous type….

• You set the baby-phone on maximum volume.

At the slightest sound it will turn itself on, and turn everyone else off since you will be afraid that the baby is going to wake up.

You can also play the “what’s that noise ? Was it the kids ?” card.

• Did you take the trash out ?

Or any other sensitive subject : the bad painting job, the laundry that wasn’t put in the right basket, the paper he didn’t sign, the invoice that wasn’t paid. A nice gross subject can also be discussed, or you can mention his mom for instance.

• What is that smell ?

Followed by a “did you brush you teeth ?’ or “when was the last time you showered ?” with a disgusted look.

• I have to shave.

I have to wash my hair. We all know that those are chores, why not have our other half “enjoy” it as well ?

• What’s on your face ?

He will be asking this question when you come back with a facial mask which is drying up on your face. There are a lot of different facial masks, they are usually hideous. Any one wil do. If you don’t have one, you can wing it like Mrs Doubtfire and a nice frosting, or sour cream even.

• My eye is itchy.

Scratch your eye several times. And then ask him if he thinks your eye is red, because this week you saw someone with pink eye. I know that when my kids have pink eye I have a hard time, so I can’t imagine what I’d do if my partner had it. To think he could come so close to my face or touch my pillow, no way !

• Do you remember this thing you did 5 years ago that really annoyed me ?

No ? You don’t ? Well I do. So have fun all alone tonight. And there case closed ! It always comes in handy to be resentful.

There you have it, a nice collection of easy to remember excuses for you ladies. No need to thank me, the pleasure was all mine.

Now I hope my husband won’t ever read this article…

How about you, what are your excuses to avoid sex ?